Day 4 - Sometimes you can buy love

Vitals
7"30
231 blood sugar
178 after walk
 weight 161.2
9am walked Beagleman around 1 1/2 miles
10:30am Breakfast - 1/2 ham sandwich with cheese

2:30 - leftover chicken enchiladas with beans (saucer size)

3 cups bark-o-tea

8pm - 12 oreos - mother fucking oreos

WTF.  I totally screwed up yesterday including drinking a bottle of wine and eating a Hershey bar.  Neither of which made me feel better (well, maybe the hersheys). 

Row and I both had our breakdowns yesterday.  Struggling over our losses.  Tiff and Hankie.  They gave us no notice.  NONE.  How can someone just die on you. 

I just did a 'what the fuck; and jumped into the black hole of depression.  I cried for an hour.  I just can't get over Hankie's death.  This dog was my heart. 

I had stopped anti-depressants a month ago and  felt I was okay.  And so did Row.  And we weren't okay.   It is so evident that the drug does help us.  The tidal wave of grief of losing our dog, combined with the first anniversary of Tiffany's death was too much.

I believe it was Rosie O'Donell who said, "Having depression is like having an open window into your mind.  All kinds of bugs can come in.  Anti-depressants are like putting a screen on the window.  It helps keeps the bugs out."

I like that.  And as of today, we are back on them.  I also did something that I didn't want to do, but felt it could help and right now I could use all the help I can get.  It's Milagro -(Spanish for miracle) or Milly.  She's a husbpuppy that we bought (yes sorry) at felibre libre (I think that's the market's name).  She was sitting in a wire cage with a bunch of other dog breeds (or races as they say here).  She was sound asleep and when I picked her up she barely moved.  I was afraid she was sick  So I bought her.  And Rowland really liked her.  He picks good dogs, and I go with his instincts.  He's also in charge of naming dogs.  And he named her before he even got the money out of his wallet.

I feel guilty buying a dog.  But as Row said, sometimes you rescue a dog, and sometimes a dog rescues you.

Here's a picture of her sleeping on Row's arm.  I think he needed this as much as me.  We got Hankie on Thanksgiving day.  We were at a very rough spot in our marriage - mostly due to me.  And we were thinking of splitting.  But decided to get a  dog instead like when couples 'get pregnant' to try nd save a marriage.  We needed a diversion.  A reason to look ahead instead of where we were.  Hankie was our dog, that is until my dog Emily died and Hankie saw an opening to be my one and only. 

He slept inside my gown almost every night.  Even as an adult.  So I just got bigger and bigger gowns.  I would post his picture here, but it hurts to much to see him.  But he was a precious long haired tan dachshund who acted like a puppy until he died at age 10, 12 - whatever, it was still too soon.

So maybe Milly can help us heal.  If one of the other dogs don't kill her first.  Maybe Millie can do what Hank did.  He came into my life when I really needed someone to love and someone to put some glue on a marriage that was coming apart.  Looking at how glued Millie is to Rowland right now, it seems like she already has a big head start.